I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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