____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
my sisters under your porch take her home
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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