The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize