I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
