Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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