babies were throwing up all over the place
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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