My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize