my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
