that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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