i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Randomize
