Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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