At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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