Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
