My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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