My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize