You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
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