I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Randomize
