Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
