I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
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