I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
