I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize