if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
