booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize