everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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