So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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