i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
