I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
