So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Randomize
