Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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