Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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