woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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