oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
