I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
