I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
