When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
