Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
