Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
