yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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