The maid of honor just puked.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
