he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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