There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
