Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize