I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize