I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
