Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
