dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
