my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
