She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Randomize
