Dude my mom stole all your condoms
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
this is an emotional support booty call
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
