sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
