I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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