If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
