After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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