Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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