My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
