Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
