So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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