Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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