So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
My vagina is officially offended.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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