"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize