So drunk its hurt
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
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