How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
