How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
